Hey there!! I know it's been awhile but I'm back and something has been weighing heavily on my mind.
Let's talk about...... S-E-X.
DISCLAIMER: If you are an elder in my family and choose not to read my sex talk, STOP READING NOW! Proceed at your own risk; don't say I didn't warn you.
Ok, now that all of the logistics are out of the way let's dive deep down into the world of sex, relationships, and most importantly my current thoughts.
Although I wasn't one of those girls who was "saving herself for marriage," I maintained my virginity until my freshman year in college. Based on what I'd heard on television and from my friends, I was ready to lose my virginity like a bad habit; I now see why this was a major problem. When I lost my virginity it was for all the wrong reasons; to be more appealing to a guy (*rolls eyes). It makes me cringe when I recall my exact thoughts just moments before I was deflowered:
"FINALLY! Let's get this over with!"
Whhaaaaattt???? They say you always remember your first, well that is certainly an understatement. The night I lost my virginity was no where near the fairytale I imagined it would be. There wasn't much thought put into it and we definitely didn't live happily ever after. I was young, dumb, naïve, and far from being in love...did I say dumb?!! I hand delivered my virginity to someone who was just as young and dumb as I was. In short, he played me just like I played myself. I made the haste and what would become the habitual mistake of giving myself to someone who wasn't interested enough in me to commit.
Soon after I let go of my first suitor, I met the guy I considered to be my first love. With him, I waited. I waited as long as I thought was appropriate and then gave up the goods; but this time he eventually (*keyword) committed. It was all good in my pretty little head—until he dumped me. Figure that, the first person to actually commit to me is the same person who kicked me to the curb lol (I can laugh about it now). After my little heartbreak, I began my first celibacy journey. It's little foggy, but this journey lasted roughly a year. Hmm, now that I think of it I don't know if I was even trying to practice celibacy; it may have just been a dry spell. Needless to say, after I grew tired of it, I went back to having sex with people who weren't committed to me. Now don't get it twisted; I can still count the amount of guys I have slept with on ONE HAND (whoo-hoo!), but my self-esteem was at an all time low. Although I wasn't sleeping with every Tom, Dick & Harry, I certainly wasn't respecting myself, or for that matter demanding the respect I deserved.
I just don't think I'm a "friends with benefits" type of chick. For me, the intimacy of sex stirs emotion and expedites attachment...which prompted me to write this. I don't know if I have ever gotten to know a guy or even myself without thinking about the sex factor. Did I even genuinely know any of the guys I slept with? Was I rushing into sex to be more attractive? Or have my feelings just been mislead by sex goggles? Recently, I have been contemplating taking my first REAL celibacy journey. I'm practicing the same bad habits I developed in undergrad; giving myself to someone I am not in a relationship with. Again, I am not in love but I can no longer use the excuse of being young and dumb. I am an adult...shoot I'm creeping up on 30. Enough is enough! I am worth more than sex......and frankly so is any guy I choose to lay down with. If I'm being honest with myself, since I lost my virginity, I've been led by pure lust; so sad. I may be old fashioned, but something about casual sex just doesn't feel right. I'm convinced that I will never truly be happy and content in any romantic relationship if the thought of sex is constantly looming.
It's about time I let my heart and mind take the lead; not my....*meow. lol
So here is my first official declaration:
"I am not my body. I have more to offer than just sex. I deserve to know the feeling of dating or getting to know a guy without having sex with him. From here on out, I choose me!!"
To be continued..